Mental Meanderings of Me

Those nights when your brain won’t let you sleep though. Not due to stress or worry. No, not me, I’m being kept awake by daydreams, rumination, and existentialism. My brain just can’t help itself. Some nights it gets so excited, it will actually send electric shocks to my muscles to jolt my body from its slumber.

Tonight I’m thinking about .   .   .

Tiny Houses; prefabricated vs self designed/built vs other designed & built

Whether or not we’re going to have human life on other planets in my lifetime. If I would ever visit the moon and what it feels like under your bare feet? 

Someone should name a planet Bowie; if space nerds haven’t already done it.

Hiring someone to brush my hair at my pleasure.

Our delightful family flu. Hiring people to act as my extended family and to come over and help take care of me.

Family picnics. Like from the movies; down by the lake, guys are playing football, girls are wearing 80’s bandeau bikinis. 

Creepshow 2, The Raft. I wonder why I’m so afraid of water that I can’t see through?

A silver bullet trailer? Maybe that would be good but, I feel like maybe the layout isn’t as clean. We could just do it super old hippie style and get a bus, Man. And an old shaggy do and we just load our kids and the pup into “The Merth Mobile” which will be a super ironic name due the generally bohemian look of the inside of it. Complete, with red rope licorice.

I really like the new Muppets show.

I need to get my teeth cleaned. I should get up and brush my teeth. I should get up an oil pull. Ooooooh, I should get up and oil paint.

How long could I lay here before I can’t physically hold my pee any longer? I’m going start timing it .   .   . NOW!

I really want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And a grilled cheese.

That skit from Saturday Night Live, drunk girl, performed by a guy, Jeff something. Drunk Girl is dispondent about no one offering her a grilled cheese while she was trick or treating.

I should make my own pasta at home again but, I need to buy a crank handle for my machine. Seems ridiculous to just buy a handle, should just buy a whole other set and use one for clay. That’s a good idea.

Pyramids. I can’t stop thinking about pyramids. The energy they hold.

I wish I could go swimming right now. Sometimes when I swim in pools that have a light on I think that it’s a big giant squid coming to get me.

Is Nessie a boy or girl? I wonder where her secret hidey tunnel is?

What’s paella again? It’s got clams in it.

17 minutes give or take.


Meditation for Daydreamers

I find it really difficult to meditate the way I perceive we are told to.  I’ve been trying to “meditate” since I was seventeen so about 10-ish years ago, give or take, and I don’t think I have accomplished more than a maximum of 43 minutes ever. It could possibly be 45 if you subtract the amount of time I took to look down at my phone to see how long I had been meditating for.

I perceive that we are meant to just master the ability of sitting still and unfocusing? I phrase that as a question because I feel meditation is actually working is when I just let my mind float instead of focusing on not focusing.

I’m pretty sure now, after spending a year trying to find various ways to adapt my meditation method to squeeze in the unpredictability of a six month nursling and a now three year old girl. In those rare moments that I have actually have to myself, I then have to contend with all the thoughts regarding what else I should be doing or what else I need to get done and I just have to be there in it.

The really effective moments though come from when I just let myself go. I allow my thoughts to tiptoe through my mind and my body to just move how it wants to; sway, stretch, vibrate, dance, hoop, fuck.

Enlightenment: Who Gets to Decide What It Is?


The Path to Enlightenment can be a very difficult one for those who have a very specific idea of what enlightenment is. For some, it is the end goal to a life well lived. For others, it is an unattainable state, only reached after death, after suffering on this Earthly plane. For me, enlightenment is an awareness that there is knowledge both within myself and outside of myself that is available for my use.

There are certainly moments in my life when I feel I am more enlightened; they are usually dependent on how much time I am spending alone to introspect and educate myself. I meditate regularly, read, ritualize nearly everything I do from drinking my morning cup of coffee to playing with my children, and simply strive to be a better version of myself everyday; even if just slightly.

Recently, I was told that I wasn’t as “enlightened as I think I am,” which hit me as an odd statement. For one, I don’t tell people that I am indeed ‘enlightened’ because I think that it is a rather nebulous term. Secondarily because, how do they know?! Is our individual level of Enlightenment something that can be judged by others? How much XP do I have to obtain before I can level up to a quantifiable point for others to determine how enlightened I am or am not?

I think Enlightenment feels unobtainable for many because we are using other people’s idea of what it is to appraise it for ourselves. If you by the literal dictionary definitions of enlightenment, there are three:

  • the state of being enlightened (freed from ignorance and misinformation)
  • a philosophic movement of the 18th century marked by a rejection of traditional social, religious, and political ideas and an emphasis on rationalism
  • a final blessed state marked by the absence of desire or suffering.

I follow the first definition because it feels most in alignment with my Soul. Although, I will say that my Enlightenment isn’t an end all be all state. My Enlightenment is ongoing and ever evolving; it occurs over and over again. Every time I learn something new about myself, every time I resist an argument that doesn’t deserve my energy, every time I level up my questioning.

Enlightenment, in my opinion, is a misnomer; it can’t mean the same thing to everyone because we all start and finish at a different place. So many factors have to be taken into consideration; upbringing, line of teaching, religious beliefs or lack thereof. Perhaps a better term for what I am would be, Illuminated. I am lucid, resplendent, mentally depurated and still have room to expand upon that.

No one gets to tell you whether or not you are enlightened; though many will try. It’s my personal belief that if you are telling someone they are not enlighten or otherwise telling someone who they are, then perhaps you yourself are not as enlightened. A big part of becoming enlightened, is realizing that each person is on their own journey and that you don’t have the right to judge that one way or another. What for them may be a new level of knowledge, for you may be something that is second nature.

Regardless, Enlightenment is about pulling each other up, not trying to push each other deeper into darkness. Illuminate the path for those that need a light and are welcoming of it, because I believe that’s what true enlightenment is really all about.