I am a victim of Domestic Violence.
I say I am (still) a victim as opposed to a survivor because surviving to me implies that I am over it and you’re never really over it. Being victimized leaves traces; not just physical but your entire nervous system is rewired due to fear leaving you emotionally and mentally stressed. I see him in public and I panic, not because I’m afraid of him hurting me anymore but because I don’t know what I would do. I don’t know how I would react to this man who so brutally and repetitively beat injured my body. This man who violated me and brought me to the point of death. What would I say?
Truthfully, the most victimizing part is the shame and realizing how many times no one stepped in to help.
I hate telling this story! It’s not fun for me to have to recount this incredibly painful experience. I don’t enjoy talking about how someone took things from me without my permission or about how that person was someone I loved. I cry the entire time I write these because I’m in physical agony as I psychosomatically recall the horrible things that were done TO me. Unfortunately, if the victims don’t speak out then we will continue to also be abused by society. Until we (the victims) give a voice to those that don’t have one yet or anymore then society will continue to ask and say things like,
“Why doesn’t he/she just leave?”
“Can’t she/he see it’s not love?”
“Is he/she stupid?”
“That would never happen to me.”
“I wouldn’t put up with that.”
“Just call the cops!”
“She/he can leave anytime she/he wants.”
“She/he had to do something to make that happen.”
“It’s not my problem.”
“It’s not my relationship.”
“I can’t get involved.”
“It’s none of my business.”
We try to just leave and for that we pay with our flesh and our spirits. The first 3 times I tried to just leave (because he yelled aggressively at me and that was unacceptable to me) he dragged me to our room and hit, kicked, and choked me until I passed out.
Yes, I did see it wasn’t love but, by then we lived together and he had isolated me from everyone. A tactic that is regularly disguised as love in ways like spending more time together or being very interested in you. They are charming and kind and usually pre-programmed (by their own abusers) to be skilled predators. They are polite, sincere, and charismatic. Abusers are the life of the party, they’re loyal friends, and seem like a great mate; they’re like Vampires. Everything about them draws you in and not just the direct victims but YOU, the secondary victims who are clueless as to how bad it could be or actually is. They are fooling you too.
Stupid? No. Actually, I regard myself as incredibly smart; both in the books and the streets. Is a soldier stupid for fighting for his survival and yours via freedom? No, they are applauded. I fought for my life, with no training, no weapons, no support, no back up team Alpha. No one dove on a grenade for me. And yet for some reason, my battle scars, my courage, my survival, my PTSD mean less because you think I voluntarily chose this life. So, who’s really stupid?
Yeah, I thought it would never happen to me either. Again, he presented as polite, hard-working, and friendly not as violent, aggressive, and abusive.
I didn’t “put up with it.” It was placed upon me without my permission. You try to remove a boulder once you’re underneath it, once it’s compressing your chest.
The cops were called, once, by his mother and the officer asked me if anything happened and when I looked up he was standing just outside the door so I said, “No.” I was later rewarded for my secrecy by his profuse apology and solemn promise that it would never happen again. It’s Stockholm Syndrome, we are basically kidnapped from our lives.
I tried to leave many times; that’s all I wanted to do but, every time I tried to leave (even when he was screaming at me to get out) he would grab me and hit me. Eventually, you stop trying to leave because you’re afraid that he might make good on his threats to “kill you if you try that again” and you accept that this is your life. After all, you’re being told both by your abuser AND society that it is your fault that’s it’s happening in the first place.
What did I do to deserve it? Please, if you can tell me, that would be wonderful because I’ve dedicated many tears trying to figure out what I did to earn such brutal treatment. He said it was because I told him no. One time he burned me because he wanted to see what would happen. He dragged me to the car by my ear because he ordered me to drive when I didn’t have my license and I said no. So, yes I guess technically I did something to make it happen but, was it warranted?
It IS kind of your problem. It’s everyone’s problem. It’s costs the United States economy $8.3 BILLLION every YEAR in medical costs and lost productivity (missed work).
I recognize it’s not your relationship BUT, it’s not mine either. The abuser runs the relationship. I was told what to do and harmed if I did not comply; that was not the relationship I signed up for.
“I can’t get involved” & “It’s not my business.” These two I love. You can’t get involved with helping your fellows humans but your Facebook board shows that you’re incredibly dedicated to being involved with stopping animal abuse. So, if I understand correctly what you’re saying is that you’re more willing to speak up for a chicken than me. Okay? I had people watch my ex abuse me and do nothing. Two guys saw him drag me down the stairs by my hair while I cried for help and neither answered my call. UNACCEPTABLE.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (INTIMATE PARTNER ABUSE) IS A WORLDWIDE PROBLEM!
IT AFFECTS BOTH MEN AND WOMEN.
AND IT HAS GOT TO STOP!
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. So make yourself AWARE.
This month I will be focusing on something that I know all to well. This month I will Take a Hit for Domestic Violence so that hopefully future generations won’t have to.