Agony and Ecstacy

I am returning home to Chicago today. Although, I spent the last 9 days coming home to myself. It took practice and guidance. Now they are parts of me that haven’t been exposed before and they are excruciating; raw. Yet, in that pain is so much freedom.

Someone told me that they loved me this week and it was the purest form of love for me because I didn’t have to earn it. Beyond that, I have no personal relationship with this person and he just gave me his love without expectation or bias. All I had to do was show up and he loved me just for existing. It was such an amazing gift.

Friends, loved ones . . . I am done trying to earn your love. I try so hard to pull you all close just so I can love you but, it’s exhausting. Perhaps, some of you feel the same way as I do about love. That you have to earn it and if you’ve done nothing to earn it then you are in debt to that love. This is not the truth of love. Love just is. Love is warm, kind. Love is coming home to you.

I have carried an agonizing love model for years. Love was currency. Love was something I freely gave to others but, toiled with myself over receiving. It was easy for me to love others because it’s just what I do . . . to a point. There comes a point in every love transaction when if I’m not in a reciprocal love arrangement then I just stop. I close the valve to my heart and that person will just exist for me; nothing more, nothing less. I truly apologize for this; its a protection strategy that I realized this week, I just don’t need.

I have gotten back to a place of such love and empowerment; I returned home to my heart, my soul. I’m in a great deal of physical pain from my emotional and spiritual unburdening. My back and shoulders are achy and my stomach is cramped up. I have such fear of returning home to hardened hearts and uninterested individuals but, I just want you to come home too.

I want to give you all the freedom to just be. I want you to have both the agony and ecstasy of love. It’s an amazing feeling but even more so, it’s such an incredible gift. I love you. Maybe I know you, maybe I don’t but I love you anyway. Did you know that someone could do that? That someone could just love you? Just because? For no reason at all? They can and they do. I do.

Open yourselves my sisters and brothers. Open the shell that has been created by society, by your parents. Standards that keep us slaves to a worldwide system that just doesn’t work. It’s time. It’s time.

I am home.


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