It’s Throwback Thursday!
While I should posting pics of me with weird hair in my youth or party shots with the multitude of friends I may or may not have; I am instead going to take you a journey . . . to last month. It takes a lot of energy and effort to time travel so I wanted to start you guys out with something kind of easy.
A month worth of Thursdays ago was October 16th. My trip to San Diego was planned but, I had yet to buy my plane tickets. I was also considering canceling the entire trip because . . . I didn’t want to be away from my kids . . . yeah, er. Well, because it would be my toddler’s first walking around Halloween . . . right. Oh and you know there’s that whole . . . FUCK! I really feel like I had more “reasons” for why I couldn’t go and had to cancel.
The real reason was guilt and an inability to give anything to myself or allow myself to receive anything. This is an argument I’ve been having with my husband for years. Yes, an actual argument (and typically tears) have to occur before I am willing to accept most things I am offered even if I really want whatever it is. My beloved expends a great deal of emotional energy trying to get/force me to receive.
It’s not fair. It’s something I intentionally do either. It’s an underlying value placement that I was given by someone else. On that Thursday, I was crying my eyes out because I so wanted to go on this trip but, I could not find a credible thing within myself that would grant my the right to receive this.
*This is a very common thing that women (well humans really) do.*
I spent the entire day evaluating my worth vs reward ratio. I hadn’t been a good enough mom this year; my little one had fallen and scraped her hands up a few times and my oldest was late to school because of traffic or her lolly gagging as she got ready for school. I certainly hadn’t made my wife quota this month; I know I didn’t prepare 3 homemade meals a day and that I certainly wasn’t fucking my husband enough for how much the plane tickets are so I would need to increase that (again, my value placement not his-calm down). Also, family members that I no longer speak with have been reaching out and I’ve kept my boundaries in place but, maybe I should dive on that grenade because that would at least get me most of the way to earning my trip.
There are people in my life who go out of their way to remind me of what a “shitty human being” I am so this is something I don’t get away from, it’s both internal and external. Was I charitable enough this year? Did I keep my house clean enough? Had I helped enough of my friends this year to get this? Did I love enough? Did I laugh at people’s jokes enough? Did I make those around me feel good enough for me to feel good about going cross-country? Did I give enough this year or ever? Is it enough?
ENOUGH. Yes, I have given enough. Even if I hadn’t though, even if my life wasn’t riddle with the shitty currency of pain that it runs on, even if I hadn’t ever suffered; it would still be enough. There is no value equal to what we put out to others as humans. We are priceless. I am priceless. You’ll also note in my internal eval that nowhere in there does it ask if I have given myself enough this year; interesting huh?
It took me going on this trip to realize that. So, I’m really glad I have someone around me who, while not their responsibility, reminds me of my worth when I can’t see it myself. I’m also beyond ecstatic that I have found my people and that those people have given me the right words to tell myself to just let it all go. The words I’ve carried for so long, that I never even wanted in the first place. I don’t like those heavy words and I am finally putting them down. No more emotional Ironman. No more self sabotage. No more value seeking.
Four Thursdays ago, I was asking all the wrong questions. You probably are too. I was asking if I contribute(d) enough (joy, energy, effort, etc.) to allow myself to be happy? No, I wasn’t. How on Earth can I make myself happy when I’m focusing on doing that for everyone else first? I can’t. You can’t. No one can. It’s exhausting putting yourself on the back burner. It’s damaging to base your personal human value on earning it through some type of deed or contribution. Besides, there’s just not enough wealth in the world to pay any of us our value so I guess we’ll just have to focus on paying ourselves from our own pockets.
Ugh, okay fine
So I had a perm once in my life.
Look at my crazy awesome JeriCurl style curls.
To be fair, perms we’re making my a come back and my grandma was a hairdresser so ya know . . .
You viscous monsters.
* I got nothin’*